ohgodinternet

notes from the collegetime

Sorry I haven’t been posting here, but I’ve been in college. Here’s some notes, from Tuesday, for proof.

So let me tell you about my day

Random musings:

• My cat tried to do a kick ass matrix jump across the bathroom and fell square in the toilet.  Swish, nothing but bowl.
• Why do tanker trucks need to inform people that the contents are inedible.  I cant see going up to suckle on the teat of a road going container with the prospects of either Hydroflouric Acid or maybe if I’m lucky liquid chicken comming out.
  
• The van at work uses about 3-6 quarts of diesel oil a day, and is coated in a nasty film.  I think I’m going call him Valdez.
• Awesomemobile is still awesome (even though parts fall off it)
• My cheese is dried out and stale ;_;

MORE BULLITINS AS EVENTS WARRENT

Facts About Bleach

• You can get bleach for your hair, bleach for your teeth, bleach for your toilet, bleach for your floors, and bleach for your kitchen worksurfaces, but you can’t get bleach for your dachshund. Nobody knows why.
• Sometimes, if you listen very carefully when you walk past a bleach factory, you can hear the bleach whispering sweet nothings about hydrogen peroxide.
• Female Prime Ministers do not, as is commonly supposed, cry bleach; they cry a Japanese soy-based bleach substitute.
• Cows dislike being dipped in bleach because it makes them whiffy.
• Who’s the black private dick that’s the sex machine to all the chicks? The answer, surprisingly, is bleach!
• Some home remedies call for pool water, which can be hard to find. But worry not! Just dissolve two tablespoons of bleach into a gallon of water, set it on medium heat, and pee in it. You’ll feel like you’re getting yelled at by the lifeguard in no time!
• Inferior brands of bleach will stain a black shirt white, and a white shirt black.
• What keeps the White Stripes looking their whitest? Bleach alternative, we’re sorry to say…
• Both bleach and lysol kill germs, but it’s a little known fact that when bleach and lysol are mixed together, they breed germs themselves.
• Rod Stewart bought more bleach in the 1970s than the entire Royal Family combined.

Let's try this whole "daily comedy" thing again, ok?

So apparently we suck. Here’s hoping that we don’t suck anymore. Love, ohgodinternet.

Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 1. A room in A Big Fancy Gay's house.

Enter A BIG FANCY GAY and REYNALDO

A Big Fancy Gay
Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo.

Reynaldo
I will, my gay one.

A Big Fancy Gay
You shall do marvellous wisely, good Reynaldo,
Before you visit him, to make inquire
Of his behavior.

Reynaldo
My gay one, I did intend it.

A Big Fancy Gay
Marry, well said; very well said. Look you, sir,
Inquire me first what Danskers are in Paris;
And how, and who, what means, and where they keep,
What company, at what expense; and finding
By this encompassment and drift of question
That they do know my son, come you more nearer
Than your particular demands will touch it:
Take you, as ‘twere, some distant knowledge of him;
As thus, ‘I know his father and his friends,
And in part him: ’ do you mark this, Reynaldo?

Reynaldo
Ay, very well, my gay one.

A Big Fancy Gay
‘And in part him; but’ you may say ‘not well:
But, if’t be he I mean, he’s very wild;
Addicted so and so:’ and there put on him
What forgeries you please; marry, none so rank
As may dishonour him; take heed of that;
But, sir, such wanton, wild and usual slips
As are companions noted and most known
To youth and liberty.

Reynaldo
As gaming, my gay one.

A Big Fancy Gay
Ay, or drinking, fencing, swearing, quarrelling,
Drabbing: you may go so far.

Reynaldo
My gay one, that would dishonour him.

A Big Fancy Gay
‘Faith, no; as you may season it in the charge
You must not put another scandal on him,
That he is open to incontinency;
That’s not my meaning: but breathe his faults so quaintly
That they may seem the taints of liberty,
The flash and outbreak of a fiery mind,
A savageness in unreclaimed blood,
Of general assault.

Reynaldo
But, my good gay one,—

A Big Fancy Gay
Wherefore should you do this?

Reynaldo
Ay, my gay one,
I would know that.

Curse you hashbrowns, why can't I make you.

So I bought this box of approximately 50 frozen hashbowns, because, you know, hashbrowns are fantastic.  I read the the instructions on the side and follow them.  The result was this rock-hard, black thing which was on fire.  I extinguished the flames and consumed it as punishment.  The second time I tried it i wound up with these floppy cold things, but sustained oil burns.  Finally, the third time I wound up with hashblacks again, but this time caught my linoleum floor on fire.  Hashbrowns, you are so tasty, but why are you so hard to make.   Furthermore why do I keep trying, seeing how the outcome is usually a fire, injury, and a foodstuff that is most definitely not a hashbrown.

;_;